Finding a surrogate mother to share this journey with is one of, if not the most, important decisions you will make during this process. I have been working in the fertility industry for over 10 years and have been through choosing a surrogate mother myself; the right match can make the experience fulfilling and very predictable. Unfortunately, many parents are in such a hurry to get the process started they may overlook some important details that can lead to stress and conflict down the road. Here are five questions I think you should ask yourself as an intended parent when deciding if a potential surrogate mother is the right fit for you.
- Would you be friends with this person?
This is huge – that’s why I wanted to talk about it first. You are about to embark on an incredibly intimate and personal journey, and you want to share it with someone you feel comfortable with and genuinely like. And frequently, it can take longer than either party initially plans. You want it to be with someone you like and trust. Think of your family, friends and other important people in your life: Would they choose this surrogate mother for you?
- What does your intuition tell you?
We all have a little voice in our head – but we don’t always listen to it. But you need to! If you feel unsure about something when connecting with a potential surrogate mother, talk to us. We can help you figure out if it something that could have negative implications on your journey. This is why we’re on it with you!
- Do you align on the big issues?
How many embryos will you transfer? Will an amniocentesis be done? What if the results indicate a chromosome abnormality like Down’s syndrome? Will you terminate the pregnancy? What kind of relationship do you both want after the birth? These are all questions you need to discuss with your surrogate mother to ensure everyone is consensus about what action will be before beginning the legal contract process.
- How will logistics work?
Is the potential surrogate mother located in the same area as your fertility centre? Or will she have to travel from out of town? If so, is there a clinic close to her where she can do some monitoring to cut down on her travel time and costs? Will her employer allow her to miss time from work for appointments? These are example questions that you need to consider when mapping out your surrogacy plan. We will help you figure out the logistics to determine if the match will work for both you and a potential surrogate.
- Can you meet each other’s needs?
This one is also huge – which is why I left it for the end. Think about what you want this journey to look like? How often do you want to interact with your surrogate mother? What does she want in return? Daily emails/updates? Phone calls? A text the first time the baby kicks? Belly pictures? Do you want to be at all the appointments/ultrasounds? Does she want you there? Discussing you needs and desires and your ability to work with the needs and desires of your surrogate mother will have a positive effect on both potential parties.
The surrogate mother and intended parent relationship is incredibly unique and can be one of the most amazing and rewarding bonds you can have with someone. After all, you are working together to create the most precious thing in the world: life. And not just any life, the life of the person or people that will become more important to you than anyone else in the world. The right match will make all the difference in the world!