Supporting Your Partner as a Surrogate Mother

Supporting Your Partner as a Surrogate Mother

My wife Lisa (Fertility Match Co-Founder) has given birth to two sets of twins as a gestational surrogate mother. These have been wonderful journeys for our family as well as for us as a couple. She has asked me to share my advice on this experience…so here goes:

As a Couple

Partners need to have a strong relationship to go through an experience like this. When my wife explained to me her desire to help others who were unable to have children become parents, I thought that was a wonderful thing she wanted to do. I supported her 100% through both of her surrogacies. There will be ups and downs, just like in other areas of life; But if you love and support each other and have a strong relationship this can be one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have.

Surrogacy is a Commitment for Both of You

It is a good idea to be prepared for the many appointments with doctors, lawyers as well as meeting with the intended parents. Sometimes these appointments and meetings are out of town. Your wife’s body will need to be prepared prior to having the embryo(s) transferred by taking medications to thicken her uterus lining for transfer. In our case, she needed to have progesterone injections every day for 3 months starting before the transfer and continuing for three months in to it. It was difficult for her to administer the injections herself, so I did it every day. This was honestly one of the hardest things to do since it was sometimes an unpleasant experience for her.

Why it’s all Worth it

You form new and special relationships as you take the journey together with the intended parents. It’s a relationship unlike any other. There is no better feeling than seeing the joy in the faces of the parents as they have experiences along the journey: seeing their babies through ultrasound, feeling the babies move for the first time, hearing their heartbeats. The most rewarding moment for me was watching our intended parents welcome their children into the world. We got to see them hold their babies for the first time after wondering if that dream would ever come true. Helping to grow a family through surrogacy is one of the most rewarding experiences you could ever have.

Being a Surrogate Mother: Choosing the Right Intended Parents for You

Being a Surrogate Mother: Choosing the Right Intended Parents for You

Becoming a Surrogate Mother is a very personal choice. The reasons why a woman chooses to be a Surrogate Mother vary. I chose to be a Surrogate Mother to help another woman who couldn’t conceive become a mother. When starting out on your journey as a surrogate, take time to think about who you are meant to help. Is it a single parent, a heterosexual couple or a same sex couple?

Once you decide who you want to help, you will begin to “date” potential intended parents. This is a very important part of the process. Just like dating a potential romantic interest – you quickly learn what you are looking for in this relationship.

Are you looking for someone who is wanting the same amount of contact as you are?  For me, this wasn’t my birth story. This story belongs to the intended parents I worked with, to their babies. I was just the person who was lucky enough to birth them into this world. I wanted a couple who shared that outlook. My couples were at all my appointments and in the delivery room. I also wanted the parents cut the cords of their babies as my husband and I had already experienced this.

As a potential Surrogate Mother how do you feel about selective reduction or termination of pregnancy due to birth defects in the fetus?  This is a very important subject and one that makes you look inward. For me I needed to find a couple who would take any number of children that resulted from this surrogacy. I was not in favour of selective reduction for multiples. With that being said, I felt that I could not decide what another person could live with if it was determined that the fetus had a birth defect. In that case, I was willing to terminate if the couple chose.

I will admit, intended parents are looking for certain things when it comes to their surrogates too. They will be dating you as much as you are dating them. I have spoken to couples who said their surrogate was to only eat organic foods, or would refrain from exercising. I even spoke with someone who said they didn’t want their surrogate to have an epidural during birth; While those aren’t the people I chose to work with, there is a surrogate out there for them that will work with their choices. It’s all very personal.

The most best part of the experience for me was the relationship I built with my intended parents. I did not know them beforehand. We were complete strangers who took the time to build an honest and open friendship. I wanted to feel like we could talk about anything. My intended parents and I became support systems for each other through the ups and downs of fertility treatments while fulfilling their dreams to be parents.

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