Being a Surrogate Mother: Choosing the Right Intended Parents for You

Being a Surrogate Mother: Choosing the Right Intended Parents for You

Becoming a Surrogate Mother is a very personal choice. The reasons why a woman chooses to be a Surrogate Mother vary. I chose to be a Surrogate Mother to help another woman who couldn’t conceive become a mother. When starting out on your journey as a surrogate, take time to think about who you are meant to help. Is it a single parent, a heterosexual couple or a same sex couple?

Once you decide who you want to help, you will begin to “date” potential intended parents. This is a very important part of the process. Just like dating a potential romantic interest – you quickly learn what you are looking for in this relationship.

Are you looking for someone who is wanting the same amount of contact as you are?  For me, this wasn’t my birth story. This story belongs to the intended parents I worked with, to their babies. I was just the person who was lucky enough to birth them into this world. I wanted a couple who shared that outlook. My couples were at all my appointments and in the delivery room. I also wanted the parents cut the cords of their babies as my husband and I had already experienced this.

As a potential Surrogate Mother how do you feel about selective reduction or termination of pregnancy due to birth defects in the fetus?  This is a very important subject and one that makes you look inward. For me I needed to find a couple who would take any number of children that resulted from this surrogacy. I was not in favour of selective reduction for multiples. With that being said, I felt that I could not decide what another person could live with if it was determined that the fetus had a birth defect. In that case, I was willing to terminate if the couple chose.

I will admit, intended parents are looking for certain things when it comes to their surrogates too. They will be dating you as much as you are dating them. I have spoken to couples who said their surrogate was to only eat organic foods, or would refrain from exercising. I even spoke with someone who said they didn’t want their surrogate to have an epidural during birth; While those aren’t the people I chose to work with, there is a surrogate out there for them that will work with their choices. It’s all very personal.

The most best part of the experience for me was the relationship I built with my intended parents. I did not know them beforehand. We were complete strangers who took the time to build an honest and open friendship. I wanted to feel like we could talk about anything. My intended parents and I became support systems for each other through the ups and downs of fertility treatments while fulfilling their dreams to be parents.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself when Finding a Surrogate Mother

5 Questions to Ask Yourself when Finding a Surrogate Mother

Finding a surrogate mother to share this journey with is one of, if not the most, important decisions you will make during this process. I have been working in the fertility industry for over 10 years and have been through choosing a surrogate mother myself; the right match can make the experience fulfilling and very predictable. Unfortunately, many parents are in such a hurry to get the process started they may overlook some important details that can lead to stress and conflict down the road. Here are five questions I think you should ask yourself as an intended parent when deciding if a potential surrogate mother is the right fit for you.

  1. Would you be friends with this person?

This is huge – that’s why I wanted to talk about it first. You are about to embark on an incredibly intimate and personal journey, and you want to share it with someone you feel comfortable with and genuinely like. And frequently, it can take longer than either party initially plans. You want it to be with someone you like and trust. Think of your family, friends and other important people in your life: Would they choose this surrogate mother for you?

  1. What does your intuition tell you?

We all have a little voice in our head – but we don’t always listen to it. But you need to!  If you feel unsure about something when connecting with a potential surrogate mother, talk to us. We can help you figure out if it something that could have negative implications on your journey. This is why we’re on it with you!

  1. Do you align on the big issues?

How many embryos will you transfer? Will an amniocentesis be done? What if the results indicate a chromosome abnormality like Down’s syndrome? Will you terminate the pregnancy? What kind of relationship do you both want after the birth? These are all questions you need to discuss with your surrogate mother to ensure everyone is consensus about what action will be before beginning the legal contract process.

  1. How will logistics work?

Is the potential surrogate mother located in the same area as your fertility centre? Or will she have to travel from out of town? If so, is there a clinic close to her where she can do some monitoring to cut down on her travel time and costs? Will her employer allow her to miss time from work for appointments? These are example questions that you need to consider when mapping out your surrogacy plan. We will help you figure out the logistics to determine if the match will work for both you and a potential surrogate.

  1. Can you meet each other’s needs?

This one is also huge – which is why I left it for the end. Think about what you want this journey to look like? How often do you want to interact with your surrogate mother? What does she want in return? Daily emails/updates? Phone calls? A text the first time the baby kicks? Belly pictures? Do you want to be at all the appointments/ultrasounds? Does she want you there? Discussing you needs and desires and your ability to work with the needs and desires of your surrogate mother will have a positive effect on both potential parties.

The surrogate mother and intended parent relationship is incredibly unique and can be one of the most amazing and rewarding bonds you can have with someone. After all, you are working together to create the most precious thing in the world: life. And not just any life, the life of the person or people that will become more important to you than anyone else in the world. The right match will make all the difference in the world!

Pin It on Pinterest